I Hate Her

‘I hate her’ (my mom), this is what I had written on a red and blue line paper when I was just seven or eight years old. I exactly remember that time phase. It was an afternoon and out of nowhere, I don’t know what got into me, I wrote those horrendous sentences and had crumpled the paper in my fist in my anger. That memory is etched on my mind which can never be erased. Why had I written it? The entire childhood I had the (false) belief that my mom loved my sibling more than me.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t sibling rivalry; jealously, yes might be. I took care of my sibling whenever we were alone or while going to school. I had run to a store to buy a chart with the only one rupee I had with me for my siblings’ class assignment who had forgotten to tell mom to buy the earlier day. So, it wasn’t sibling rivalry or jealousy either.

Now, in my adulthood after attending psychology lectures during medical college I came to know what exactly I was going through during childhood. It was childhood depression. After 24 years of living I understood it was depression and not sibling rivalry when I underwent training for personal counseling. I was depressed in that tender age and no one, NO ONE understood that.

It wasn’t a full-fledged depression where I hurt myself or others but I remained aloof. I never used to convey my emotions to my parents or anyone else. I used to spend time with ‘myself’. Solitude was my companion. I couldn’t cry in front of others but I remember crying my heart out in bathroom. It was countless times. Yes, indeed.

I lost my years of childhood due to it. I never had the ‘mother-daughter’ relation. I couldn’t put forward my opinions, my dreams. Everything went in vain. Just because I couldn’t gather courage to speak my heart out. Time passed by and somehow I did come out of it. My relation with my mother has outgrown that feeling.

Still I have the darkness inside me which overpowers me occasionally. Have you cried out wholeheartedly IN FRONT OF OTHERS or someone? If yes, you are blessed to do it. I have never or I cannot cry wholeheartedly in front of anyone not even H. In fact it is hardest to cry out in front of him.

I never intended to write this post on depression, post World Health Day which emphasized on ‘Depression’ this year. Rather this post is an unexpected flare after watching the movie Dear Zindagi, third time. Haven’t watched it then you must even if you do not understand the language watch it with subtitles. I am sure you will take something in return with it every time.

What I haven’t done in my life which the movie communicates?

Dialogue: Tum agar khulke ro nahi sakogi … toh khulkar has kaise sakogi

If you are not able to cry openly … then how will you laugh openly

As mentioned earlier, I cannot.

Dialogue: Zindagi ek jigsaw puzzle ki tarah hai … mere jaise log uss puzzle ke khoye hue tukde, sirf dhoondne aur jodne mein madad kar sakte hai … par only you can complete the puzzle.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle … people like me can only help you in finding and connecting the puzzle pieces … but only you can complete the puzzle

I have started to picking up the puzzle but not completed yet.

Dialogue: Safe feel karne ke liye pehle saare dar mitana zaroori hai

To feel safe you first need to remove all your fears

I HAVE SO MANY FEARS. Fear of not being pregnant, fear of losing relation, fear of failing.

Dialogue: Agar hum apni zindagi ka steering wheel apne haath mein nahi lenge na … toh koi doosra driver seat par baith jayega

If we don’t take the steering wheel of our life in our own hands … then someone else will sit on the driver’s seat

The steering wheel is in my hands but I haven’t started the vehicle yet to direct it.

My most favorite one:

Dialogue: Jab hum apne aap ko achchi tarah samajh lete hai … toh doosre kya samajhte hai, it doesn’t matter … not at all

When we understand ourselves well enough … then it doesn’t matter what others think about us … not at all

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO ABSORB!

©kohleyed7

Dear zindagi, Dear Life

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2 thoughts on “I Hate Her

  1. II was reading your post and trying to come across any instances which could convince me that you and I did not share the same story but in all honesty, we do. Atleast the childhood part.
    I’m so sorry. I feel like I know exactly what you went through. Making a wild guess here but are you the older sibling? Well, I am.
    I would like to thank you so very much for writing this. I feel like I have suddenly been enlightened with a lot of insight about my childhood experiences and knowing more about myself and why I am the way I am gives me satisfaction. I was not aware that it could be childhood depression but now that you say it and I think about it, I had very obvious symptoms of depression.
    As I’ve grown older, I’ve often asked myself what really happened then – who was wrong and who was wronged. I still don’t have an answer.

    Like

    • You guessed it right. I am the elder sibling.
      I am grateful that you connected with what I wrote moreover because it was such a burden inside me since years which uplifted after writing it down.
      I too don’t have an answer but now I am somehow out of those dark feelings.

      Like

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