Me Before You

I had dived into the book ‘Me Before You’ without reading the synopsis. And am so glad I didn’t because it turned out to be the best reads. It was lying on my to-be-read books for long time  and randomly started reading and couldn’t put it down. This was last year. I wanted to keep reading what happens in the end and yet at the same time didn’t want to finish because it would be over.

The movie came much after the release of the book and there was no doubt I could miss it. Book had set high expectations and I am so impressed the movie fulfilled it (which most of the adapted movies lack).

Don’t Forget About Me – CLOVES

The oh so gorgeous Will Traynor and the chatty Louisa Clark ignites sparks in the darkness of my mind. Last night I rewatched the movie, not the whole but my favorite scenes.

Life is been more or less like Will Traynor – paraplegic (not literally) but infertility is snatching away every bit of peace within me. No matter how hard I try to be cheerful, the ‘when’ slaps me. I wish there was a ‘Dignitas’ for me too – To live with dignity, To die with dignity.

I have started craving solitude more than often because there would be no one to ask those questions. There is no one I could share my feelings with, not even H. In fact I keep wanting to stay away from him (ridiculous I know).

I have stopped all kind of medicines and treatment. Too tiring – physically and mentally. I am waiting for it to happen ‘naturally’ or let me rest in peace as Will Traynor did at the end!

My Premature Ovarian Failure Story

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Disclaimer:

This post is in no way to pity me or to scare you but more of my experience with Premature Ovarian Failure and infertility. How and when did I come to know of diagnosis, the signs and symptoms of it? Remember not every case of any disease presents itself ditto as in medical books or medical websites (I know you must have googled many). I being a doctor, myself, not in my deadliest of dreams thought I would have it.

Read this post as an awareness of Premature Ovarian Failure through the mouth of the one living with it. Don’t worry I won’t bombard you with heavy medical lingo but only the chronological series of my signs and symptoms.

Let’s get started! (It is going to be a long read. Grab your tea, coffee or water :D)

premature ovarian failure

Image

Premature Ovarian Failure

Doesn’t scare you after reading it, right? How about I say Premature menopause or early menopause in your 20s and 30s? Now this sounds scary, isn’t it?

Statistics say Premature Ovarian Failure occurs in 0.1% (1 in a 1000) women between the ages of 15 and 29, and 1% (1 in 100) women between the ages of 30 and 39. (DAMN!!! Why am I the unluckiest ‘1’ in 1000? But I would love to be the ‘1’ to conceive despite this ovaries-eating disease. Oh and btw I am 29 and going to be 30 soon)

Puberty

Normal. I had my first menses at age of 12 with 4-5 days of bleeding. Normal breast development, appearance of hair besides scalp (its normal location). Menses were regular but always on earlier side on Days 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 but never late.

End of my teens

Till age of 17 everything seemed to be normal. Then I think my master gland (pituitary) decided to live on its own terms without taking me into consideration.

Twice a year my menses shifted from its regularity gradually (REMEMBER- GRADUALLY holds the importance). I shoved it off by saying it might be due to stress of academics. I did underwent screening to rule out PCOS and yes I was elated I did not have it because I was not overweight, I did not have dark pigmentation anywhere. (Lesser I had known I was going to have worse than PCOS)

Did not spare my skin and hair

My skin! Why, Why, WHY? It is already eating up my follicles and above all attacking my skin. Hirsuitism (facial hair growth) even before I touched 20.  My parents had spent thousands for my laser treatment for hair removal. I had my blood screened for all the hormones before the treatment. Apart from DHEAS and testosterone, everything was normal (Another proof of NO PCOS). I still have excess hair growth but less worse than before. 

Acne! I hate you even now you crop on my face every now and then even The Body Shop products cannot rescue my skin from your peril.

My hair! What can I say, let it be!

Came the age of 25 (when I got married)

MY MENSES WENT BERSERK SO QUICKLY IT FREAKED ME OUT. 3 months no sign of PMS or spotting. I was sure I wasn’t pregnant, nevertheless I took pregnancy test which was negative (I was sure about). End of 3 months, comes the use of sanitary napkins without using any pills. ( I saved many bucks during those 3 months. LOL)

I darted the delay due to post-marriage stress 😛 . On a serious note, my menses were almost regular for 2 years.

Age of 27

Hormones. Checked. Follicular study. Done.  Only one follicle enlarged in one ovary and ruptured by 18th day of my cycle (which should have rang the bell of something ‘serious’, but we never anticipate for the worse, do we?) Nah-nah.

Age of 28

BANG! No menses for 5 months. No pregnancy. With WORSE PMS as if now, now the bleeding would start but nothing. My skin became so dull and the unhealthy look made me mad and angry (I didn’t have anyone or anything to blame on) despite of healthy eating habits. Trust me I had cut down junk foods drastically, restricted to once a week.

This time I had to take pills because it was enough.

Recheck of all the hormones. Done. Normal. Again except for FSH (Follicle stimulating hormone).

FSH to Ovaries: “RELEASE THE FOLLICLES, YOU! I AM TRYING SO HARD”

Ovaries: “DO NOT PUSH ME. I AM ALREADY TIRED.”

Uterus: “HELLO, YOU TWO! I AM WAITING SINCE SO LONG TO GROW A TINY HUMAN BEING WITHIN ME. Your fight is doing no good. I weep every month, well, not every month as you do not allow me to even weep.”

Me: “I am tired you guys. I am tired.”

Age of 29

We were labelled with ‘Primary infertility’ (Biggest impact) couples since second year of marriage. We had started planning by the end of first year but never conceived.

Hysterosalpingography. Done. Patent tubes.

Follicular study. 1 follicle. No growth. Ruptured prematurely. No conception (Not a surprise!)

Antral follicle count on Day 3. 2-3 dormant follicles only in one ovary. POOR RESULT.

FSH level. High.

Final test to confirm Premature ovarian failure

AMH (Anti-mullerian hormone). Bull’s eye for my diagnosis. Very very very low count.

Chances of conception with my own (if) remaining eggs – negligible.

Clinical suggestion – IVF with donor eggs.

Me (inside my head): “NO! NO! NO! No, no, no…”

Premature ovarian failure: “You have no other choice.”

Me: “I will never let you take control over my life.”

Image designed: Canva

 

 

 

 

100 Things That Makes Me Happy

How often do we stress about the big things in our life? All the time! sigh whereas we forget the small things in our day-to-day life that makes us smile and happy.

100 things that make me happy

I am sharing 100 things that make me happy, some are gifts from nature and few are things I never realized before making the list which makes me happy.

Here it goes…

  1. Reading the last chapter of a book
  2. To-do list
  3. Quotes
  4. Preparing healthy recipe
  5. Clean refrigerator
  6. Smell of a new book
  7. Sticky notes
  8. Aeroplanes
  9. Flowers
  10. Clean sheets
  11. New haircut
  12. Hallmark and Disney movies
  13. Butterflies
  14. Ice cream
  15. Bookstore
  16. Diyas
  17. Window seat in a train
  18. Rain drops
  19. Printables
  20. Handwritten letters
  21. Old chats
  22. Paper handbags
  23. Painting nails
  24. Moon gazing
  25. Candid photos
  26. Snuggling in bed during rains
  27. Office supplies
  28. Opening parcels
  29. Waking up without an alarm
  30. Old photographs
  31. Finding perfect gift
  32. WhatsApping my friend
  33. Perfect selfie
  34. Favorite song playing on radio
  35. Surprises
  36. Email from bloggers
  37. Smile of a baby
  38. Offering seat to aged
  39. Smell after first rain
  40. Lying in bed doing nothing
  41. Puppies
  42. Baby clothes
  43. Stock photos
  44. Horizon
  45. Chalkboard
  46. Cute cutleries
  47. Flawless eyeliner and kohl eyes
  48. Tea (made by me)
  49. Adele songs
  50. Fox life and TLC shows100 things that make me happy
  51. Painting
  52. Sea water brushing against feet
  53. Windchimes
  54. Fairylights
  55. Face masks
  56. Grocery shopping
  57. Pinterest
  58. Podcasts on Player FM
  59. Clue (tracks my menstrual cycle which tumbles every now and then due to Primary ovarian failure)
  60. Writing in my online journal – Journey
  61. Stripped Tops
  62. Purple Color
  63. Organization
  64. Canva
  65. Glitter eyeshadows
  66. Guitar
  67. Solitude
  68. Candles
  69. Being thanked
  70. Peacock feather
  71. Pasta
  72. Bubbles
  73. Yummy smell while passing by a restaurant 
  74. Long nap 😉
  75. First sip of lemonade on a hot day
  76. Song resembling life
  77. Rainbow
  78. Text from someone I was thinking of
  79. School report cards
  80. New dress
  81. Owls
  82. Shells
  83. DIYs
  84. Bossing my dad 😀
  85. Necklace
  86. Rangoli
  87. Hot fomentation after tiring day
  88. Smoothies
  89. Placing water for birds
  90. Direct shower on head and back (relieves the stress, trust me!)
  91. Capturing life moments
  92. Footwear (I am junkie when it comes to footwear but H restricts me from buying, ‘coz there in no space to keep them)
  93. Chirping sparrows
  94. Budding plant
  95. Chocolates during PMS
  96. When H pays the bill for my shopping (lol)
  97. Waking up on holiday
  98. Candle-lit dark room
  99. Sunflower
  100. Kid holding my finger

 

I am sure your list may vary from this. 

I Hate Her

‘I hate her’ (my mom), this is what I had written on a red and blue line paper when I was just seven or eight years old. I exactly remember that time phase. It was an afternoon and out of nowhere, I don’t know what got into me, I wrote those horrendous sentences and had crumpled the paper in my fist in my anger. That memory is etched on my mind which can never be erased. Why had I written it? The entire childhood I had the (false) belief that my mom loved my sibling more than me.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t sibling rivalry; jealously, yes might be. I took care of my sibling whenever we were alone or while going to school. I had run to a store to buy a chart with the only one rupee I had with me for my siblings’ class assignment who had forgotten to tell mom to buy the earlier day. So, it wasn’t sibling rivalry or jealousy either.

Now, in my adulthood after attending psychology lectures during medical college I came to know what exactly I was going through during childhood. It was childhood depression. After 24 years of living I understood it was depression and not sibling rivalry when I underwent training for personal counseling. I was depressed in that tender age and no one, NO ONE understood that.

It wasn’t a full-fledged depression where I hurt myself or others but I remained aloof. I never used to convey my emotions to my parents or anyone else. I used to spend time with ‘myself’. Solitude was my companion. I couldn’t cry in front of others but I remember crying my heart out in bathroom. It was countless times. Yes, indeed.

I lost my years of childhood due to it. I never had the ‘mother-daughter’ relation. I couldn’t put forward my opinions, my dreams. Everything went in vain. Just because I couldn’t gather courage to speak my heart out. Time passed by and somehow I did come out of it. My relation with my mother has outgrown that feeling.

Still I have the darkness inside me which overpowers me occasionally. Have you cried out wholeheartedly IN FRONT OF OTHERS or someone? If yes, you are blessed to do it. I have never or I cannot cry wholeheartedly in front of anyone not even H. In fact it is hardest to cry out in front of him.

I never intended to write this post on depression, post World Health Day which emphasized on ‘Depression’ this year. Rather this post is an unexpected flare after watching the movie Dear Zindagi, third time. Haven’t watched it then you must even if you do not understand the language watch it with subtitles. I am sure you will take something in return with it every time.

What I haven’t done in my life which the movie communicates?

Dialogue: Tum agar khulke ro nahi sakogi … toh khulkar has kaise sakogi

If you are not able to cry openly … then how will you laugh openly

As mentioned earlier, I cannot.

Dialogue: Zindagi ek jigsaw puzzle ki tarah hai … mere jaise log uss puzzle ke khoye hue tukde, sirf dhoondne aur jodne mein madad kar sakte hai … par only you can complete the puzzle.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle … people like me can only help you in finding and connecting the puzzle pieces … but only you can complete the puzzle

I have started to picking up the puzzle but not completed yet.

Dialogue: Safe feel karne ke liye pehle saare dar mitana zaroori hai

To feel safe you first need to remove all your fears

I HAVE SO MANY FEARS. Fear of not being pregnant, fear of losing relation, fear of failing.

Dialogue: Agar hum apni zindagi ka steering wheel apne haath mein nahi lenge na … toh koi doosra driver seat par baith jayega

If we don’t take the steering wheel of our life in our own hands … then someone else will sit on the driver’s seat

The steering wheel is in my hands but I haven’t started the vehicle yet to direct it.

My most favorite one:

Dialogue: Jab hum apne aap ko achchi tarah samajh lete hai … toh doosre kya samajhte hai, it doesn’t matter … not at all

When we understand ourselves well enough … then it doesn’t matter what others think about us … not at all

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO ABSORB!

©kohleyed7

Dear zindagi, Dear Life

Image credit

I had a nervous breakdown

Warning: This post starts with a depressing note but could end with a happy note.

Friday evening 6 pm:

I came back from work, entered the empty home as always. I kept down my handbag and groceries and headed to freshen up. As soon as I saw my reflection in the mirror I broke. I don’t know why and how but I cried and sobbed. I felt as if the reflection is not me. Have you ever felt the same? I questioned myself looking in the mirror. I couldn’t shout but my anger came out through the gritted teeth.

It lasted for 5 minutes and I calmed down. After the downpour of tears I knew exactly why I broke down. I had kept them inside me for too long.

Secondly I was in pain, I am in pain. I am talking about physical one. Since few days I am having severe cramps in my back and lower abdomen. My abdomen is bloated as if it would burst. It was a great struggle traveling and sitting at workplace. I couldn’t share my pain with anyone, ANYONE. Why? I might be PMS pain. It means one more month passed by without getting pregnant. It was a relief that H is out of town otherwise I would have to bear the pain without showing it through my expression.

The pain reached its limit on Friday and half of Saturday so much so that I don’t even remember how many times I filled the hot water bag just to get some relief. I did not take any pain relievers. Hoping, simply hoping what if the pain is not of PMS but a sign of implantation. But does it hurt so much? Can anyone share or guide me through your experience?

I slept through most of the Saturday morning. I needed it. I have been eating healthy foods still the pain won’t budge. Let me tell you hormones and healthy eating never goes hand in hand. Hormones are their own master. No one can rule over them. Even medicines after certain period of time can’t handle them. And mine have become overpowering to control them.

Reading has become my ultimate distraction from the pain and the overall ‘getting pregnant’. I have been loving solitude more than ever now. It is agonizing that even the beloved ones do not understand my suffering. Yes ‘infertility’ is a ‘suffering’.

P.S. I like you’ by Kasie West rescued me from falling into nervous breakdown. I read it in 3 days (the fastest time considering balancing work life and home chores). I couldn’t keep it down. My mind couldn’t take off the book, telling me to finish reading it. The story line is predictable but the narration, the words exchanged between the characters and above all the letters and the lyrics (both are my weakness). A handwritten note or a letter can never be compared with a text or an email even though the later are faster to send through.

One of my favorite line from the book which appropriately suits my current life situation:

“I feel like if I hold things close, never share, then I never give anyone the opportunity to judge me.”

P.S. I like you‘ was the first book I read by Kasie West and now I am eager to read her other books.

The book reminded me of another favorite of mine which also has songs in it. This led me to hear the song  Maybe Someday – Griffin Peterson again.

I am all set to read ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert, the sequel to ‘eat pray love‘ which I read 6 years ago. I had loved it. The book sparked my reading journey again which had taken a halt due to my studies and graduation.

Ending this post with the quote shared in ‘Committed: A Love Story’ in the very beginning.

I said I would end the post on a happy note 🙂

queen victoria quotes, quotes on marriage, marriage quotes, quotes in committted book by elizabeth gilbert

Weekend- Reminder of my Infertility

What did I do over the weekend?

weekend post

Friday:

How about starting the weekend with pamper time? I did just that, prepping for it from the afternoon at work itself. I fall into the sponsored ads with the greed of getting more by paying less. I booked an appointment on the online beauty parlour.

Firstly, I waited and waited for an hour. 2 beauticians assigned for me but both in hurry to complete their respective task (neither of them done it perfectly). My previously well-cut styled hair got ruined (nothing ‘creative hair cut’). Facial and pedicure wrapped up in half hour with no relax feeling.

spa pedicure big stylist

spa pedicure

Lesson learned: Never book an appointment with the company again.

(It would have been much better I did it by myself as I do it often, but I would like to try UrbanClap once due to their good reviews)

Saturday:

H surprised me by telling ‘how about visiting to your moms’ place?’ I was over the moon but I did not reveal it 😉

We travelled via Mumbai local train (as usual). Needless to say they are overcrowded but still I like them. They are the part of my teen life and 20’s.

I love these ballerinas from honey. A gift from H on our second wedding anniversary (2014), the only anniversary we celebrated which eventually did not turn out good (many reasons not to celebrate).

Moms place = No work = Relaxation = Ready Cooked Food

IMG_20170304_182013

Sev Puri: My one of the favourite Indian chat from many

Sunday:

Lazy morning. Tasty breakfast by Mom. Non-veg food for lunch (Had pomfrey fish after many years).

I was pissed off due to late train and the afternoon heat.

We were on the way to visit a newborn baby. (I was hesitant considering my infertility status). I am not jealous with the pregnancy or baby birth news. Yes but it does hurt and hauls me inside the infertility void. Moreover when I surely know that H would have a reason again to put a finger on me.

I wiped away the image of the newborn from my mind otherwise it would have left me scarred again.

Though I couldn’t get it out while I was folding the laundry and it consumed me. I was numb. I cried to myself. I folded hands and prayed and questioned all over again.

I closed my eyes to hear the question, “When will we have?” and I drowned in sleep as the tear trickled down the corner of my eyes.

Will I ever have a baby?

“The problem is in you.” The doctor said to me in the month of October 2016. That was harsh doctor, you shattered my world by saying that. I know it was your duty to inform be but the way you said it torn my life and more over my hope in million pieces. That was the last day I visited you and I shall never set my foot again.

I did not want sympathy from the doctor or from anyone for that matter. You know how it felt? Imagine someone is scrapping while awake, your hands are tied down and you are helpless. Got it?

Everyone’s fingers were (are) blaming me, condemning me. I myself am a doctor. Never ever I had thought while learning about ‘Infertility’ in medical college that my life would be associated with the word ‘female infertility’. 

My AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) is way too low. (I hate you AMH, what did I ever do that you are taking a leave from my blood and my motherhood away from me). I have what is medically termed as, ‘Premature ovarian failure‘, which means my ovaries are failing and the biggest probability of ‘Premature Menopause’. GOSH!!! I am only 29!

The pain, the hurt of struggling with infertility can be understood only by those who go through it. Believe me! Even if you say, ‘I understand’ if you are/not experienced it, you will ‘never feel’ what I am feeling right now, each moment, every day. My words might not convey the pain but if you want to listen, watch the video by HickMan Vlogs how they beat infertility. Gods grace they have two beautiful kids. Megan speaks her heart out and how it hurts when someone ask about, “Aren’t you planning for having kids?”

(PEOPLE! Stop nagging, because when you ask me about when are you planning it doesn’t sound as if you are concerned but probing in ‘what’s wrong’ or rather ‘who has the problem?’)

Every morning I wake up and there is this emptiness which no one can fill even though I try my best to make myself busy. I do not blame God, but I do fight with him/her. What have I done wrong? Have I committed such a big sin that you are punishing me?

I am tired. I am tired of visiting several doctors. I am tired of going through the sonography probe going up my vagina (always hoping to see ‘Hope’). My heart races every time I do a pregnancy test. The result always has been negative as if my fate is having a good laugh at me.

I have stopped everything of it. I no longer expose my body to artificial rays or medicines. I have a healthy uterus and so the option of IVF is open in front of me by donor eggs. I can’t! I can never! How will I hold the baby who has grown in my womb but not ‘mine’? How will I ever say ‘you are my baby’ but not ‘mine’? This thought shudders me!

I do not cry, not in front of others. But I do cry to myself. I do not have a shoulder to cry on. I snuggle myself and the tears find their way out. I had been wanting to share this since ages to someone. The fear always held me back. 

I am waiting for the two lines on the strip. I am waiting for the morning sickness. I will adore my stretch marks (as not everyone is blessed with them the reason being carrying a baby). I am waiting for the highest threshold of labor pain.

My ovaries might be failing but my faith isn’t. I still have a spark (tiny it might be) inside me, speaking to me, “I will get pregnant. I will see my’hope’ growing in my womb.” ©kohleyed7