5 Years of Sharing, Caring, Fighting

5 years ago, this very day H and I got engaged. Oh my! I looked beautiful. I can say this, can’t I? 😉 because I had never groomed myself earlier. That day and my wedding day are special days in my life (and the days between them were tug of war and still are! LOL). I had never dreamt of living with a soul for this long. I still can’t believe I have spent 1825 days of my life with H.

Initial days after marriage were stressful, A LOT, trust me. I guess most married couples must have gone through those tough days. Now my bit sane and rational mind says it is not what you go through but how you deal with it that matters. I haven’t changed myself for H neither I made him to change for me. This I understood much after the difficult phase of my life when ‘separation’ and ‘divorce’ were the only words stuck within me.

I kept myself busy in work to overcome the situation. For the matter of fact, I started ignoring which was not the solution. But work kept me sane. The only way I found peace within me and the relation was – giving up expectations. Yes, the expectations which I had set for him and for me. I never or haven’t given up on us but only the ‘expectation’- the parasite of any relationship.

Pleasant surprises came along my way when I stopped expecting ‘a lot of things’ from him.

I am finding many insights from the book I am currently reading – ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert as I said in my previous post. I am not accepting word to word said in the book but I can relate with most of the survey and facts she has mentioned in the book. This post will be too long if I start talking about the book. I shall write a detailed post about my thoughts on it once I finish reading. I am quite happy that I haven’t found it dull rather interesting. Its just been 4 days and I am half way through the book.

I am ending this post by sharing the engagement day pic, 7 April 2012. Happy Engagement Anniversary to me. Cheers to our fights and loving days!!!

engagement, marriage vows, love

Our Engagement Day

©kohleyed7

Image created using Canva
Credit: Image of golden rings

My 5 favorite inspirational quotes

5 Quotes that inspire me

I am a big crazy fan of quotes. I have pasted them on my refrigerator, hang them in my living room, they are on my mobile wallpaper. So that every time I come across them, they rejuvenate me.

Each day of my life I work hard to think ‘rationally’ which is indeed difficult but not impossible. Life beats me down, lifts me up and sometimes crashes me hard. These quotes help me in those difficult times.

Inspirational Quotes can be compared to meditation. They help you in keeping calm, they have the power to alter your thoughts.

Quotes make you feel happy, they encourage you, they uplift the mood.

Read at least 2-3 inspirational quotes every day. Do not consider as a task so as to strike off from ‘to-do list’.

Take a break from the “routine” and read quotes for making you feel happy. Here are my 5 favorite quotes by the legends like Elvis Presley, Martin Luther King Jr., Dr.Seuss, Henry David Thoreau.

inspirational quotes on love and life

 

quotes on loveQuotes by Dr.SeussElvis Presley quotesdeclutter mind

quotes on music

Source of images: Quotes to inspire

Do share some of yours 🙂

Will I ever have a baby?

“The problem is in you.” The doctor said to me in the month of October 2016. That was harsh doctor, you shattered my world by saying that. I know it was your duty to inform be but the way you said it torn my life and more over my hope in million pieces. That was the last day I visited you and I shall never set my foot again.

I did not want sympathy from the doctor or from anyone for that matter. You know how it felt? Imagine someone is scrapping while awake, your hands are tied down and you are helpless. Got it?

Everyone’s fingers were (are) blaming me, condemning me. I myself am a doctor. Never ever I had thought while learning about ‘Infertility’ in medical college that my life would be associated with the word ‘female infertility’. 

My AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) is way too low. (I hate you AMH, what did I ever do that you are taking a leave from my blood and my motherhood away from me). I have what is medically termed as, ‘Premature ovarian failure‘, which means my ovaries are failing and the biggest probability of ‘Premature Menopause’. GOSH!!! I am only 29!

The pain, the hurt of struggling with infertility can be understood only by those who go through it. Believe me! Even if you say, ‘I understand’ if you are/not experienced it, you will ‘never feel’ what I am feeling right now, each moment, every day. My words might not convey the pain but if you want to listen, watch the video by HickMan Vlogs how they beat infertility. Gods grace they have two beautiful kids. Megan speaks her heart out and how it hurts when someone ask about, “Aren’t you planning for having kids?”

(PEOPLE! Stop nagging, because when you ask me about when are you planning it doesn’t sound as if you are concerned but probing in ‘what’s wrong’ or rather ‘who has the problem?’)

Every morning I wake up and there is this emptiness which no one can fill even though I try my best to make myself busy. I do not blame God, but I do fight with him/her. What have I done wrong? Have I committed such a big sin that you are punishing me?

I am tired. I am tired of visiting several doctors. I am tired of going through the sonography probe going up my vagina (always hoping to see ‘Hope’). My heart races every time I do a pregnancy test. The result always has been negative as if my fate is having a good laugh at me.

I have stopped everything of it. I no longer expose my body to artificial rays or medicines. I have a healthy uterus and so the option of IVF is open in front of me by donor eggs. I can’t! I can never! How will I hold the baby who has grown in my womb but not ‘mine’? How will I ever say ‘you are my baby’ but not ‘mine’? This thought shudders me!

I do not cry, not in front of others. But I do cry to myself. I do not have a shoulder to cry on. I snuggle myself and the tears find their way out. I had been wanting to share this since ages to someone. The fear always held me back. 

I am waiting for the two lines on the strip. I am waiting for the morning sickness. I will adore my stretch marks (as not everyone is blessed with them the reason being carrying a baby). I am waiting for the highest threshold of labor pain.

My ovaries might be failing but my faith isn’t. I still have a spark (tiny it might be) inside me, speaking to me, “I will get pregnant. I will see my’hope’ growing in my womb.” ©kohleyed7

 

 

I have strangled conditional love

January 24

Ready, set, go

Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the
timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.

I am listening to 101 Powerful thoughts by Louise Hay.  I stumbled randomly on it while searching for something else. Isn’t it amazing we are blessed with wonders when were seeking else?

Life has kicked my ass hard enough many times. (“Life, were you hoping that I won’t get up. Bang! You are wrong) I pushed myself up when there was no helping hands.

My favorite thought I am listening is, “The people around us are the mirror of our life.” We interact with only those when something strikes inside that this person is the one we want to be.

Love. What is love? It is said love should be unconditional. But is it really? Aren’t we suffocating love with deep underlying selfishness. Where does all the jealousy come from? Why can’t we live with the quote: Set love free, if it comes back it is yours to keep. Still we are scared. We fear loneliness. In order to keep love with us, we somehow strangles it.

words-however-kind-cant-mend-your-heartachebut-those-who-care-and-share-your-loss-wish-youcomfort-and-peace-of-mind

Self-love. A thin line differentiating it with ego. I first learned about self-love during my training for Personnel Counselling by Robert Carkhuff’s model. We are so ignorant. We seek love here and there and forget that we ought to love our self. It is blissful- self love. Remember it is not ego!

Talking about Counselling, I also underwent training on REBT– a revolutionary therapy by Albert Ellis. It is so true. We disturb our self by the many irrational thoughts dwelling within us.

Time to change those irrational thoughts to rational one and times up too!

-kohleyed

 WRITE, EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE- Day 5

January 5

Call Me Ishmael

Take the first sentence from your favorite book and make it the first sentence of your post.

When he emerges from the bathroom she is awake, propped up against the pillows and flicking through the travel brochures that were beside his bed.- Me Before You by JoJo Moyes

He doesn’t know why are they both together. The one thing they agreed at was never to say they love each other and still here they are. 

She caught him looking at her and smiles. As if intertwined with their thoughts, she too thinks the same. 

Love, the explisite feeling both have denied to and yet are happy in each other’s company. There are so many unhealthy relationships around them despite taking the vows and so they never believed in the four-lettered word.

So which is the emotion that has bonded them together? Is Love really necessary between two souls for eternal bond?